Living with the In-laws

When Jeff and I got married last year, we agreed to live in his parents’ house for a while. We got a property in Nuvali that we started paying months before the wedding. According to the developer, the property will be turned over mid-2012, but by the end of 2012, we are still with my in-laws. We had to think it over – was it actually a good idea to live in Nuvali? We were both working in Makati/BGC area at that time, and travelling from Nuvali is quite painful. We don’t have a car, and if we will have a car, we need to pay for toll and gas everyday. That’s it. We decided to swap the property to a condo along Sucat Road, just near BF Homes. The thing is, the turnover of the unit will be on the last quarter of 2014.

To make the long story short, we still are living with my in-laws.

Our families during our wedding. Photo by Framed-Up Production.

I mean, that’s not really a bad thing. It is good. It is practical. Renting a place would mean we will spend twice as much, and that we will commute to work. There are so many reasons why newly married couples live with their parents, and not having a house just yet is one of them.

According to a study done by researchers to 373 couples, a wife’s relationship to her in-laws has a different effect compared to a husband’s relationship to his in-laws. When a husband is in good terms with his wife’s family, the wife sees it as a sign of love and that he bonds with them. As for the wife, setting emotional boundaries would be difficult if we bond more with our in-laws. Sometimes, wives think that whatever their in-laws say is their way of interfering or meddling.

I would like to think so too. Of course, as a new member of the family, we want to wow them. We want them to think that you are the perfect wife for their son. But put into consideration that you can’t always please them. Before you came into their lives, they have a different culture, they have their own issues, and they are different people. We can’t force our ways for as long as we’re living in their house. Unless you have kids, that would be a different story altogether.

I won’t lie to you, and I believe I am not alone in this boat – it is hard to live with your in-laws. It is an unfamiliar territory. Besides that fact that you have to adjust living with your husband, you also have to adjust to their ways in their house. For example, there are a few things that are hard to find in the household like sugar or bouillon cubes. There are misunderstandings too. The hardest part is not having a support system. Being away from my mom is like being on another planet. There are times that I just want to go to my mom, cry, and recharge. Maybe I’m being too melodramatic, but hey, you won’t understand until you don’t live with her anymore. I don’t have friends in the village who I can talk to. I have Bea who lives down the road but she has a kid and of course, I can’t bug her all the time.

I’d like to share these tips that I read on www.twoofus.org while I was browsing the net. Might come handy for newly weds out there. ;)

Surviving Living with the In-Laws*

Preserve Your Love Life

Cramped quarters can cramp your sex life as well. You may not feel the same freedom of expression in your new abode. Even casual displays of physical affection between you and your spouse — hugs, kisses, snuggling, etc. — may seem taboo in your in-laws’ home. And few things are creepier than knowing her parents might overhear your most intimate moments through the wall.

Maintaining your sex life, though, is an important part of maintaining your marriage. Just because you are in an awkward situation doesn’t mean you have to forego fulfilling sexual experiences. Try to work past your inhibitions, or adapt to them. Still not sure you can be intimate in your in-laws’ home? You can always revert to old teenage tricks — sneaking out and finding creative spots to be together.

Manage Conflict Appropriately

Some conflict between you, your spouse, and your in-laws is inevitable. Your spouse and his or her parents lived a separate existence together before you ever came into the picture. Likewise, you and your spouse have a created a new life together, a life to which your in-laws are not privy. When these two worlds come together, some tension is bound to erupt. If your spouse is clashing with his or her parents, try to stay out of the conflict. If you are clashing with your in-laws, be sure you express your frustrations respectfully.

You don’t necessarily need to use your spouse as a “go-between” to mediate conflicts with your in-laws, but deferring to his or her insights may be advisable. Your spouse likely understands his or her own parents much better and can help you know how best to communicate with them.

Be Considerate in Your Criticism

It is natural to want to vent to your spouse, but be sensitive as to how you express criticism about his/her family. Regardless of whether or not he/she agrees with you, your spouse is likely to respond defensively. By criticizing your spouse’s family, you are indirectly criticizing your spouse (or at least, the environment in which he/she was raised).

Contribute

Be sure to contribute to household responsibilities, especially if you are not contributing financially. This will help reduce any potential resentment on the part of your in-laws.

Know Your Place

Yes, you are part of your spouse’s family now. But you are not a blood relation nor do you have the same depth of history with your spouse’s family. Each family is a complex — albeit small — culture unto itself, with distinct practices and preferences. We all bring a certain biases into our marriages that prejudice how we see the world. Even seemingly trivial matters, like the best way to load a dishwasher, can create tension.

Know the Rules

Respect the rules of your in-laws’ house — even if they don’t make sense to you — so long as those rules do not infringe upon the core aspects of your marriage or parenting.

Married with Children … And In-Laws

While in your in-laws’ house, you should generally abide by their rules — this is their house, and you are guests in it. However, a couple should continue to maintain their own authority as to how best to raise, manage and discipline their own children. This is your right as a parent. If your in-laws overstep their bounds, you and your spouse should both respectfully assert your right to make decisions governing your children.

Have an Exit Strategy

Out of respect for your in-laws and your marriage, establish a clear plan for getting back on your feet and out of your in-laws’ home. Set a clear timeline for when you will move out and then work diligently to achieve the financial milestones needed to make the move possible.

Be Grateful—And Show It

Write your in-laws a short note expressing your appreciation or leave a small gift for them when they are least expecting it. Regardless of your in-laws’ imperfections, they are doing you a favor by opening their home to you.

Don’t Be a Momma’s Boy … Or a Daddy’s Girl

Hopefully, you sincerely love your parents and enjoy being with them. But if you have an unhealthy dependency on your parents or idolize them disproportionately, it is likely to wear on your spouse.

Defend Your Marriage Above All Else

If the situation becomes truly unbearable for you or your spouse, remember that your ultimate allegiance is to your spouse. It is not worth it to destroy your marriage for free or reduced rent.