POLL: What do you do when you have problems or misunderstandings with your in-laws?

Photo from http://www.zawaj.com

It is normal to have misunderstandings at home. But what if it involves your in-laws? What do you do? Please answer our poll question!

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The Ten Marriage Commandments

I came across an article from Family Share which I found so interesting. To see the original post, you can go here.

Anyway, it is about the Ten Marriage Commandments. Do we really need commandments on our marriages? I bet we need a little advice.

Photo of our rings. Photo by Framed-Up Production.

1. Thou shalt show respect. Every individual deserves respect. In a marriage, it is never appropriate to demean your spouse, and physical violence is never ever acceptable in any relationship. If your marriage is disintegrating into squabbling and fighting, remember that sometimes it's better to be happy than to be right.

2. Thou shalt be affectionate. The quickest way to pep up a marriage is to throw in a little love. Just being in close physical proximity to your spouse can take your relationship from meh to marvelous. Hold hands, kiss your spouse goodbye and hold on a little longer when you hug.

3. Thou shalt communicate. Your spouse has a lot of wonderful qualities, but he or she has never been and will never be a mind reader. Chances are, your spouse wants to give you the world, but you'll have to tell him or her what you need. Own your feelings and be honest about emotions.

4. Thou shalt forgive. Ruth Bell Graham famously said, "A good marriage is the union between two good forgivers." We all make mistakes. Yet sometimes those mistakes hurt the person we love the most — our spouse. Be generous and forgiving when your spouse makes a mistake and your spouse will be more quick to forgive your indiscretions.

5. Thou shalt be kind. We have a mantra in our house: kind words, soft answers. Think back to how you spoke to your spouse when you were still dating and aim to keep that kind communication throughout your entire marriage.

6. Thou shalt be appreciative. Make a conscious choice to let go of little annoyances and devote more mental energy to thinking about all the things you love about your spouse. Your spouse does a lot for you; let him know that you are appreciative.

7. Thou shalt be loyal. Adultery is the quickest way to kill a marriage. Protect your marriage by avoiding the slippery slope toward infidelity. In our world of constant contact through cell phones and social media, keep all your interactions innocent. If you're not sure if your behavior is appropriate imagine how you would feel if your spouse was engaging in the same behavior.

8. Thou shalt find balance. Cultivate friendships and hobbies that complement but are not dependent upon your marriage. At the same time, spend quality time with your spouse every day. You'll be a better spouse if you are a well-rounded person.

9. Thou shalt be honest. It's never OK to lie to your spouse, even if the lie seems inconsequential at the time. No good ever came from lying.

10. Thou shalt make decisions together. Avoid major marital drama by coming up with a game plan for life as a couple. All major decisions, including jobs, homes, children, and how to spend money, need to be agreed upon by both parties. In an equal marriage, both spouses should feel that their opinion is valuable and carries weight.

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Rainy Days and Mondays and Arroz Caldo

...rainy days and Mondays always get me down.

No, not today.

It was very rainy today in Manila and most streets are flooded and not passable. My husband and I woke up early because he is going to work, while I will go to my former office to get my cheque and run some errands before we go to Palawan this week. We had a rough night -- it was raining cats and dogs (and dinosaurs!), not to mention the loud thunders and lightning. I couldn't sleep. I just kept waking him up because I was scared. My husband prepared to go to work while on his phone, trying to figure out how to get to the office in this kind of weather.

I watched him go back and forth. At the back of my head, I knew work will be cancelled. After thirty minutes, it was final -- no work today. Hurray! A whole day of snuggling with my husband! I asked him if he wants to eat anything and he said arroz caldo (rice in chicken broth). We told my parents-in-law that we will cook lunch and headed to the supermarket. We bought ingredients for arroz caldo as well as champorado (chocolate rice porridge) because he wants to eat that for merienda.

I love cooking for Jeff. And he loves it when I cook for him. It was a joy watching him dig in to his bowl of arroz caldo without any comments or complains. It was actually very easy to cook it. Unfortunately, I forgot to take some photos. Anyway, I will still share to you my recipe.

Arroz Caldo

Photo from www.sweetcherriepie.com.

Ingredients:
1 kilogram glutinous rice or malagkit
1/2 kilogram chicken, chopped like Tinola
8 eggs, boiled
100 grams ginger, sliced
1 onion, chopped
garlic, chopped
ground pepper
4 pieces chicken bouillon cube
fish sauce
onion leek, chopped (we were not able to get this because it was not available in the supermarket)

1. Wash the chopped chicken and boil in a big pot. When it boils, take out the chicken and set aside. Do not throw away the broth.
2. Pour the glutinous rice in the pot where you boiled the chicken. Let it cook. Make sure to mix it once in a while so the rice won't stick to the bottom of the pan. Add two chicken bouillon cubes. Boil another kettle of water and make sure to add water occasionally to make sure it doesn't dry up. I use hot water so it won't mess the temperature of the mixture.
3. On a separate pan, saute the ginger, onion, and garlic. Make sure you don't burn them because it will give a dark color to your arroz caldo. Add in the boiled chicken chops.
4. In another pot, boil the eggs. My mom told me to leave it without a lid because when the water boils, the eggs will bump into each other and will break. TIP: To know if the egg is already cooked, scoop it out of the water and if the shell dries right away, it is ready.
5. After the rice is cooked, pour the sauted ginger, onion, garlic, and chicken to the pot. Stir and taste. If it needs more taste, put it buoillon cubes and fish sauce. Put the ground pepper, stir, and turn off the fire.
6. Serve hot. Top it with chopped onion leeks and hard boiled egg. And maybe calamansi and fish sauce.

So that's how Jeff and I spent our rainy Monday. How about you? How did you spend your day? I heard Ria spent her day cleaning their house because the flood went inside. Aww.

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On Adoption and Parenthood

Before Jeff and I got married, we had a short marriage counselling with Kuya Jay and Ate Marj. They are my churchmates in Singapore, so we did the counselling via Skype. Ah, technology. Here’s one of the conversations that we had with them that really got me thinking:

Kuya Jay: So you plan to have kids?

Me and Jeff: Yep! *giggles*

Kuya Jay: How many?

Me: Two or three is good.

Ate Marj: How many boys? And girls?

Jeff: Two boys, one girl.

Kuya Jay: Do you have names in mind?

Me: None as of now.

Kuya Jay: Okay. But what if, you are never gonna have kids. What are you gonna do?

And then there was silence.

Couples who are getting married are expected of one thing – have kids. But what if we are never really meant to have kids? What are we going to do?

Long before I met Jeff, on my fourth year of being single, I’ve considered adopting a kid. I once had a conversation with my mom that went something like this –

Me: Ma, mag-ampon nalang kaya ako?

Mama: *stares at me blankly* tumigil ka nga dyan, Joy! Sayang ang genes! <insert sarcasm here>

But really, I thought of just adopting a baby because I was about to believe that I’m never going to end up with someone. And then Jeff happened. We got engaged and talked about having our own family. The whole adoption thing was shelved. In December 2010, a few months after Jeff and I became a couple, my friends and I organized a Christmas party in an orphanage in Antipolo. It was a great day spent with the kids. There was this baby, about three to four months, who seem too weak and thin. Apparently, she’s about eight months or something. It was heartbreaking to see her alone in her crib, trying to lift her head up to look at us. I thought, maybe I can get her. But I’m not quite sure how Jeff would react about it.

My Facebook caption for this was, "She needs a mom".

A few months after our wedding, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome or PCOS. You can read my story here. It was a long battle of denial and depression. We’ve been married for a year already, and I’ve spent thousands of pesos on pregnancy tests,  but I still get negative results every month. It gets tiring. I am going to be honest, there are days that I just cry because someone got pregnant again. There are days that I want to slap everyone who asks why we don’t have a baby yet. People should stop making me feel that we don’t “try” to have a baby.

I have big plans for my future kids. We will have a boy, and a girl, and then another boy. They will go to Ateneo (as per my husband) for college. Or UP. I will drive them to school (that’s if I learn to drive before they are born), and pick them up. I will teach them how to knit, fix the electrical wirings, and peel mangoes. I have also vowed that by the time I become a mother, I will donate breast milk in hospitals for moms who don’t have enough for their kids. I will be a breastfeeding advocate. I will be mom.

But what if I am not destined to be a mother? What if the Lord has better plans for me? And by better, He means not giving birth? What if I am just meant to be a lifetime partner to Jeff?

Jeff and I have considered adoption after that conversation with Kuya Jay and Ate Marj. We’ve agreed that if after five years of trying and we still don’t get pregnant, we will opt for adoption. I am not sure how our parents would react on this, but hey, you can’t blame us. Parenthood is not measured by how much blood relation you have, or how much features you have in common. It is about caring and loving and nurturing a human being. It is more than just giving birth. It’s just painful to know that I can never breastfeed if I will not get pregnant.

But who knows? The last time I had my ultrasound with my OB, she declared my right ovary as normal. I am only a half PCOS patient! Haha!

Jeff and I are still praying for kids. Fervently praying. We believe that God is faithful, and He knows what’s best for the two of us. Remember, Sarah was 91 when she gave birth to Isaac! I am only 28 and I don’t have the right to complain (not that I want to wait until I am 91, too).

I haven't really researched on the whole adoption thing. I believe you can go to an orphanage and inquire. Or ask someone who's willing to have their kid adopted, like a distant relative or something. 

How about you? Have you considered adopting? Or even being a foster parent? We would love to hear your stories if you have an experience on adopting. It would be helpful to a lot of couples out there. 

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If there's a will, there's a way: Save Money Today!

By Jem Gezen

My husband and I have been bouncing across countries and continents for years. Our job has taken us places and as much as it was fun and exciting to meet new people and learn new culture, at some point we knew it was time to settle in one place. We picked America.

We moved back to the States post-recession, when the economy’s recovering yet still gloomy and the unemployment rate’s at its peak. The pasture on this side of the world wasn’t very green but dry. A hint of luck that we live in the nation’s capital, one of the very few places in America left partially untouched by the recession because of federal and/or federal-related jobs available. But still, the immigration process has been financially-crippling that we had to tighten our belts in order to afford the high cost of living in the area.

My husband has been away in the U.S. for almost 3 years that his credit rating was not the greatest and since I am a humble immigrant, I had to start from scratch. In the beginning, it was almost impossible to apply for any kind of loan or credit cards. We struggled but managed to dig our way out of the hole in less than a year. In eight months, we were able to raise a downpayment for a house while keeping all our bill payments up to date. We are not rich (oh heavens, no). We sweat for every dime we make yet we manage to enjoy life’s simple pleasures.

Disciplined spending is the key.

Let me share to you my top 5 savings tips:

1.Create a spreadsheet. You don’t have to be an accountant to create a spreadsheet. With a pen and paper, write down how much money comes in every month and how much money goes out for expenses. There are a lot of bills that have fixed cost making them easier to budget. By doing this, cutting down your purchases on less-important items would become more manageable. It would be a lot easier to visualize whether you’re making (barely) enough money to get by every month or if there’s a lot of extra cash that could go to savings instead on wasted purchase.

2. Prioritize payments. In our case, the largest chunk of earning goes to paying necessities: mortgage, car, electricity, water. Food and gas we all charge in the credit card (discussed below). We’re paid twice a month that we split our bill payments in order to budget cash flow. The largest payables we always schedule at the start of each month just to get them out of the way, while the smaller bills we pay at the end of every month.

3. Pay your credit cards in full, monthly. As I mentioned earlier, we only charge food and gas in our credit cards. We decided to only maintain 3 credit cards so they’re easier to handle. You will be surprised how quickly banks would offer higher credit limits if you’re not delinquent with payments. I frown at the idea of hoarding dozens of credit cards because it’s added cost. We use our first 2 credit cards strictly for household purchases: food, gas, furniture etc. The third one we use ONLY for travel-related purchases (plane tickets, hotel reservations etc). We are strict in using our credit cards. We never max it out and pay it in full every month. Think of it as a piggy bank - once you fill it then you can empty it - never the other way. I think a lot of people have been carelessly using their credit cards by constantly swiping it but only paying the minimum monthly rates. This shouldn’t be the case as the interest rates will continuously jack-up and eventually swallow you alive!

4. Practice self-control. The hardest yet most important rule: restraint yourself from impulsive purchases. When going to the grocery, make a list of things you need in order to avoid last minute purchases. Eat at home as often as you can, avoid fast foods, they’re not only expensive but similarly unhealthy. Don’t be shy to grab those freebies or discounted items. Always, ALWAYS scout for great deals. Note that temptation is everywhere! There’s always that bag, shoes, cosmetics, jewelry that you are dying to have. But remember, the whole point of saving is not to deprive yourself of things that you want but EVENTUALLY raising the money that you need in order to afford them later, not never.

5. Stop counting your money! It’s like watching grass grow, it takes a while - a long while. Do not obsess with money to a point that you stop living. Live within your means but enjoy what you have. It is in wanting the things we cannot afford that makes us unhappy. Be grateful for the little things and treasure the big ones. Saving can be fun only if we recognize that money is never meant to be the center of our lives.

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Those little things

During bed time there are two things Jay and I simply can't sleep without. No make that three. Sad to say, the most important one is something we still need to be doing more consistently. Before we sleep, we try our best to always pray. We take turns every night, but it's more like "it's-your-turn-no-it's-your-turn-i-prayed-last-night" kind of thing. Then before we get to our sleeping positions we give each other three goodnight kisses. It really has to be three. Then when sleep kicks in, I would begin to hear it. 

It starts off quietly. Just a low humming sound. Then it progresses to the sound of an oncoming freight train. But that's when I fall asleep. As weird as it may seem, the sound of my husband snoring is like music to my ears. I know that snoring is a health concern, that my mother-in-law even advised me to wake Jay up whenever he snores too loud. (If I do that all the time, he won't be sleeping at all!) I sometimes do that when I have to stay up late because of school or work. But there are moments when I just stare and watch him sleep, and my heart goes… "awwww". There's something about that picture of him sleeping that I find really cute and adorable. Yes, snoring and twitching included.

Trying to kiss away the husband's "pissed off" mood. 

I read this article online by Marla Taviano about the first year of marriage. It's actually an excerpt from her book "From Blushing Bride, to Wedded Wife". The author asked some married women what something someone did warn them about but they didn't believe until they got married. Someone answered, "That the cute habits would become annoying habits". 

Uh-oh! I don't know how many months or years will it take for those cute habits (like snoring) to become annoying. I have to admit, Jay and I annoy each other on a daily basis. One time I even blurted out, "I think you married me just to annoy me!"

The thing is, I'm relatively new at this marriage thing. But I'd like to think that the day when cuteness turns into annoyance would never come. I know that's impossible because people change. Add to that the ever changing hormones I have that turns a sweet wife to a drama queen. What I'm trying to say is, I want that picture or moment to stay in my mind so that when I'm seeing my husband differently from the man I once dreamed about marrying one day, I would be reminded of those little things that made my heart melt. 

You see, it's not just the dates, gifts and grand gestures that we should hold on and look back to when we're going through a rough patch. It's also those little things we discovered about each other that the outside world would find weird, but we find cute and endearing nonetheless (so long as it's not criminal. hehe). It reminds us of the kind of love we have for our husbands that only us can give. It's like an inside joke that only the two of you can understand and laugh about. It's what sets your love apart. 

So enjoy those moments. Laugh about each other's sillyness. Join in the out-of-tune song number. Be his dance partner when he lets out those chicken dance moves. Just love him for his idiosyncracies, because admit it.... you annoy the daylights out of him too. :) 

What about you, misis? What are the things that you find cute about your husband that others find pretty annoying? Tip: ask your husband first if it's okay to share it. :)

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When Couples Pray

When Couples Pray by Jem Gezen

“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.” 

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

My marriage is far from conventional. My husband’s American and I am a Filipino-Chinese. He’s agnostic, I am Christian. He’s messy, I am a neat-freak. He’s fun-loving while I’m uptight. Cognitively, we are a match made in heaven, but taking personalities into consideration, we are two very different people. Perhaps there is truth that opposites do attract.

We will be celebrating our third wedding anniversary in September and looking back, we’ve certainly come a long way. From overcoming immigration hurdles to conquering stereotypes on a daily basis, I cannot imagine how we managed to deal with all these obstacles without divine intervention. 

When we decided to set our our roots in America, it was a very difficult transition, at least on my end. Giving up the only life I knew - my career, my sense of comfort, my family and friends - it was never easy.

The biggest challenge we have faced as a couple was when we both decided to quit our last job. It was a decision that we made together because we felt the place has become too toxic as it sucks the life and happiness out of us. It was a bold move since quitting together would mean no source of income until one of us finds a new job. After two months (that felt like years) of job hunt, we got no solid offer. We were barely scraping by. This went on for 65 long days.

One night, my husband caught me praying fervently, I was shedding tears. He asked me what’s wrong and I told him that I think it would be easier to just go back to the Philippines where I can be of better help. I feel so defeated being a second-class citizen in America where I have to constantly prove myself in order to be noticed. My husband, being the rock that he is, held my hand and said, “Let’s pray together."

My husband is not religious. He is tolerant of people’s faith but far from being prayerful. I knew at that point that he is feeling the same pressure, depression and fear like I do and that he needed something to hold on to. He was looking for some solace and he was hopeful that prayers would help ease some of the burdens.

The only prayer he knows is The Lord’s prayer. I don’t think I have heard anybody pray as personal as my husband did that night as he utters every word:"Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespassed against us." With his eyes closed and his hands tightly clasped, my husband has joined me in prayer and it was a surreal moment, a testament of joy.

On the 66th day, my husband received a very decent job offer, more than enough to cover all our expenses. Bigger than the gift of a new found job, I am mostly grateful in finding a new prayer partner - my dear husband. I never thought of ever thanking the heavens for bestowing us such a heavy burden for it has led us to a life of faith, hope and more love.

When couples pray, you grow stronger each day. You become each other’s source of emotional and spiritual strength. You both aim for life’s bigger and better purpose as you lift and cheer each other up. When couples pray, you are reminded that you are one in body, mind and spirit. “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." [1 Corinthians 13:13]

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Living with the In-laws

When Jeff and I got married last year, we agreed to live in his parents’ house for a while. We got a property in Nuvali that we started paying months before the wedding. According to the developer, the property will be turned over mid-2012, but by the end of 2012, we are still with my in-laws. We had to think it over – was it actually a good idea to live in Nuvali? We were both working in Makati/BGC area at that time, and travelling from Nuvali is quite painful. We don’t have a car, and if we will have a car, we need to pay for toll and gas everyday. That’s it. We decided to swap the property to a condo along Sucat Road, just near BF Homes. The thing is, the turnover of the unit will be on the last quarter of 2014.

To make the long story short, we still are living with my in-laws.

Our families during our wedding. Photo by Framed-Up Production.

I mean, that’s not really a bad thing. It is good. It is practical. Renting a place would mean we will spend twice as much, and that we will commute to work. There are so many reasons why newly married couples live with their parents, and not having a house just yet is one of them.

According to a study done by researchers to 373 couples, a wife’s relationship to her in-laws has a different effect compared to a husband’s relationship to his in-laws. When a husband is in good terms with his wife’s family, the wife sees it as a sign of love and that he bonds with them. As for the wife, setting emotional boundaries would be difficult if we bond more with our in-laws. Sometimes, wives think that whatever their in-laws say is their way of interfering or meddling.

I would like to think so too. Of course, as a new member of the family, we want to wow them. We want them to think that you are the perfect wife for their son. But put into consideration that you can’t always please them. Before you came into their lives, they have a different culture, they have their own issues, and they are different people. We can’t force our ways for as long as we’re living in their house. Unless you have kids, that would be a different story altogether.

I won’t lie to you, and I believe I am not alone in this boat – it is hard to live with your in-laws. It is an unfamiliar territory. Besides that fact that you have to adjust living with your husband, you also have to adjust to their ways in their house. For example, there are a few things that are hard to find in the household like sugar or bouillon cubes. There are misunderstandings too. The hardest part is not having a support system. Being away from my mom is like being on another planet. There are times that I just want to go to my mom, cry, and recharge. Maybe I’m being too melodramatic, but hey, you won’t understand until you don’t live with her anymore. I don’t have friends in the village who I can talk to. I have Bea who lives down the road but she has a kid and of course, I can’t bug her all the time.

I’d like to share these tips that I read on www.twoofus.org while I was browsing the net. Might come handy for newly weds out there. ;)

Surviving Living with the In-Laws*

Preserve Your Love Life

Cramped quarters can cramp your sex life as well. You may not feel the same freedom of expression in your new abode. Even casual displays of physical affection between you and your spouse — hugs, kisses, snuggling, etc. — may seem taboo in your in-laws’ home. And few things are creepier than knowing her parents might overhear your most intimate moments through the wall.

Maintaining your sex life, though, is an important part of maintaining your marriage. Just because you are in an awkward situation doesn’t mean you have to forego fulfilling sexual experiences. Try to work past your inhibitions, or adapt to them. Still not sure you can be intimate in your in-laws’ home? You can always revert to old teenage tricks — sneaking out and finding creative spots to be together.

Manage Conflict Appropriately

Some conflict between you, your spouse, and your in-laws is inevitable. Your spouse and his or her parents lived a separate existence together before you ever came into the picture. Likewise, you and your spouse have a created a new life together, a life to which your in-laws are not privy. When these two worlds come together, some tension is bound to erupt. If your spouse is clashing with his or her parents, try to stay out of the conflict. If you are clashing with your in-laws, be sure you express your frustrations respectfully.

You don’t necessarily need to use your spouse as a “go-between” to mediate conflicts with your in-laws, but deferring to his or her insights may be advisable. Your spouse likely understands his or her own parents much better and can help you know how best to communicate with them.

Be Considerate in Your Criticism

It is natural to want to vent to your spouse, but be sensitive as to how you express criticism about his/her family. Regardless of whether or not he/she agrees with you, your spouse is likely to respond defensively. By criticizing your spouse’s family, you are indirectly criticizing your spouse (or at least, the environment in which he/she was raised).

Contribute

Be sure to contribute to household responsibilities, especially if you are not contributing financially. This will help reduce any potential resentment on the part of your in-laws.

Know Your Place

Yes, you are part of your spouse’s family now. But you are not a blood relation nor do you have the same depth of history with your spouse’s family. Each family is a complex — albeit small — culture unto itself, with distinct practices and preferences. We all bring a certain biases into our marriages that prejudice how we see the world. Even seemingly trivial matters, like the best way to load a dishwasher, can create tension.

Know the Rules

Respect the rules of your in-laws’ house — even if they don’t make sense to you — so long as those rules do not infringe upon the core aspects of your marriage or parenting.

Married with Children … And In-Laws

While in your in-laws’ house, you should generally abide by their rules — this is their house, and you are guests in it. However, a couple should continue to maintain their own authority as to how best to raise, manage and discipline their own children. This is your right as a parent. If your in-laws overstep their bounds, you and your spouse should both respectfully assert your right to make decisions governing your children.

Have an Exit Strategy

Out of respect for your in-laws and your marriage, establish a clear plan for getting back on your feet and out of your in-laws’ home. Set a clear timeline for when you will move out and then work diligently to achieve the financial milestones needed to make the move possible.

Be Grateful—And Show It

Write your in-laws a short note expressing your appreciation or leave a small gift for them when they are least expecting it. Regardless of your in-laws’ imperfections, they are doing you a favor by opening their home to you.

Don’t Be a Momma’s Boy … Or a Daddy’s Girl

Hopefully, you sincerely love your parents and enjoy being with them. But if you have an unhealthy dependency on your parents or idolize them disproportionately, it is likely to wear on your spouse.

Defend Your Marriage Above All Else

If the situation becomes truly unbearable for you or your spouse, remember that your ultimate allegiance is to your spouse. It is not worth it to destroy your marriage for free or reduced rent.

*http://www.twoofus.org/educational-content/articles/surviving-living-with-the-in-laws/index.aspx

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Rising Above the Clouds: Mayon Volcano

I went to Davao last May 22, 2013 for an event. My coworker Lanee and I went there as an advanced party. So while sitting inside the plane and chatting, Lanee was looking out the window and she was like, 'Mayon ba 'yun?!' (Is that Mayon Volcano?!) I looked and OMG, it really was! I took my camera and snapped a few photos. Here is one which I cropped because you can hardly see the tip.

I've never been to Albay but I've already seen the Mayon Volcano! The Bicolanos have this saying about a person seeing the volcano. Do you know what it is? Haha!

Have you been to Albay? Tell us your experience!

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