On Adoption and Parenthood

Before Jeff and I got married, we had a short marriage counselling with Kuya Jay and Ate Marj. They are my churchmates in Singapore, so we did the counselling via Skype. Ah, technology. Here’s one of the conversations that we had with them that really got me thinking:

Kuya Jay: So you plan to have kids?

Me and Jeff: Yep! *giggles*

Kuya Jay: How many?

Me: Two or three is good.

Ate Marj: How many boys? And girls?

Jeff: Two boys, one girl.

Kuya Jay: Do you have names in mind?

Me: None as of now.

Kuya Jay: Okay. But what if, you are never gonna have kids. What are you gonna do?

And then there was silence.

Couples who are getting married are expected of one thing – have kids. But what if we are never really meant to have kids? What are we going to do?

Long before I met Jeff, on my fourth year of being single, I’ve considered adopting a kid. I once had a conversation with my mom that went something like this –

Me: Ma, mag-ampon nalang kaya ako?

Mama: *stares at me blankly* tumigil ka nga dyan, Joy! Sayang ang genes! <insert sarcasm here>

But really, I thought of just adopting a baby because I was about to believe that I’m never going to end up with someone. And then Jeff happened. We got engaged and talked about having our own family. The whole adoption thing was shelved. In December 2010, a few months after Jeff and I became a couple, my friends and I organized a Christmas party in an orphanage in Antipolo. It was a great day spent with the kids. There was this baby, about three to four months, who seem too weak and thin. Apparently, she’s about eight months or something. It was heartbreaking to see her alone in her crib, trying to lift her head up to look at us. I thought, maybe I can get her. But I’m not quite sure how Jeff would react about it.

My Facebook caption for this was, "She needs a mom".

A few months after our wedding, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome or PCOS. You can read my story here. It was a long battle of denial and depression. We’ve been married for a year already, and I’ve spent thousands of pesos on pregnancy tests,  but I still get negative results every month. It gets tiring. I am going to be honest, there are days that I just cry because someone got pregnant again. There are days that I want to slap everyone who asks why we don’t have a baby yet. People should stop making me feel that we don’t “try” to have a baby.

I have big plans for my future kids. We will have a boy, and a girl, and then another boy. They will go to Ateneo (as per my husband) for college. Or UP. I will drive them to school (that’s if I learn to drive before they are born), and pick them up. I will teach them how to knit, fix the electrical wirings, and peel mangoes. I have also vowed that by the time I become a mother, I will donate breast milk in hospitals for moms who don’t have enough for their kids. I will be a breastfeeding advocate. I will be mom.

But what if I am not destined to be a mother? What if the Lord has better plans for me? And by better, He means not giving birth? What if I am just meant to be a lifetime partner to Jeff?

Jeff and I have considered adoption after that conversation with Kuya Jay and Ate Marj. We’ve agreed that if after five years of trying and we still don’t get pregnant, we will opt for adoption. I am not sure how our parents would react on this, but hey, you can’t blame us. Parenthood is not measured by how much blood relation you have, or how much features you have in common. It is about caring and loving and nurturing a human being. It is more than just giving birth. It’s just painful to know that I can never breastfeed if I will not get pregnant.

But who knows? The last time I had my ultrasound with my OB, she declared my right ovary as normal. I am only a half PCOS patient! Haha!

Jeff and I are still praying for kids. Fervently praying. We believe that God is faithful, and He knows what’s best for the two of us. Remember, Sarah was 91 when she gave birth to Isaac! I am only 28 and I don’t have the right to complain (not that I want to wait until I am 91, too).

I haven't really researched on the whole adoption thing. I believe you can go to an orphanage and inquire. Or ask someone who's willing to have their kid adopted, like a distant relative or something. 

How about you? Have you considered adopting? Or even being a foster parent? We would love to hear your stories if you have an experience on adopting. It would be helpful to a lot of couples out there.