The Ten Marriage Commandments

I came across an article from Family Share which I found so interesting. To see the original post, you can go here.

Anyway, it is about the Ten Marriage Commandments. Do we really need commandments on our marriages? I bet we need a little advice.

Photo of our rings. Photo by Framed-Up Production.

1. Thou shalt show respect. Every individual deserves respect. In a marriage, it is never appropriate to demean your spouse, and physical violence is never ever acceptable in any relationship. If your marriage is disintegrating into squabbling and fighting, remember that sometimes it's better to be happy than to be right.

2. Thou shalt be affectionate. The quickest way to pep up a marriage is to throw in a little love. Just being in close physical proximity to your spouse can take your relationship from meh to marvelous. Hold hands, kiss your spouse goodbye and hold on a little longer when you hug.

3. Thou shalt communicate. Your spouse has a lot of wonderful qualities, but he or she has never been and will never be a mind reader. Chances are, your spouse wants to give you the world, but you'll have to tell him or her what you need. Own your feelings and be honest about emotions.

4. Thou shalt forgive. Ruth Bell Graham famously said, "A good marriage is the union between two good forgivers." We all make mistakes. Yet sometimes those mistakes hurt the person we love the most — our spouse. Be generous and forgiving when your spouse makes a mistake and your spouse will be more quick to forgive your indiscretions.

5. Thou shalt be kind. We have a mantra in our house: kind words, soft answers. Think back to how you spoke to your spouse when you were still dating and aim to keep that kind communication throughout your entire marriage.

6. Thou shalt be appreciative. Make a conscious choice to let go of little annoyances and devote more mental energy to thinking about all the things you love about your spouse. Your spouse does a lot for you; let him know that you are appreciative.

7. Thou shalt be loyal. Adultery is the quickest way to kill a marriage. Protect your marriage by avoiding the slippery slope toward infidelity. In our world of constant contact through cell phones and social media, keep all your interactions innocent. If you're not sure if your behavior is appropriate imagine how you would feel if your spouse was engaging in the same behavior.

8. Thou shalt find balance. Cultivate friendships and hobbies that complement but are not dependent upon your marriage. At the same time, spend quality time with your spouse every day. You'll be a better spouse if you are a well-rounded person.

9. Thou shalt be honest. It's never OK to lie to your spouse, even if the lie seems inconsequential at the time. No good ever came from lying.

10. Thou shalt make decisions together. Avoid major marital drama by coming up with a game plan for life as a couple. All major decisions, including jobs, homes, children, and how to spend money, need to be agreed upon by both parties. In an equal marriage, both spouses should feel that their opinion is valuable and carries weight.

Read full post »

Rainy Days and Mondays and Arroz Caldo

...rainy days and Mondays always get me down.

No, not today.

It was very rainy today in Manila and most streets are flooded and not passable. My husband and I woke up early because he is going to work, while I will go to my former office to get my cheque and run some errands before we go to Palawan this week. We had a rough night -- it was raining cats and dogs (and dinosaurs!), not to mention the loud thunders and lightning. I couldn't sleep. I just kept waking him up because I was scared. My husband prepared to go to work while on his phone, trying to figure out how to get to the office in this kind of weather.

I watched him go back and forth. At the back of my head, I knew work will be cancelled. After thirty minutes, it was final -- no work today. Hurray! A whole day of snuggling with my husband! I asked him if he wants to eat anything and he said arroz caldo (rice in chicken broth). We told my parents-in-law that we will cook lunch and headed to the supermarket. We bought ingredients for arroz caldo as well as champorado (chocolate rice porridge) because he wants to eat that for merienda.

I love cooking for Jeff. And he loves it when I cook for him. It was a joy watching him dig in to his bowl of arroz caldo without any comments or complains. It was actually very easy to cook it. Unfortunately, I forgot to take some photos. Anyway, I will still share to you my recipe.

Arroz Caldo

Photo from www.sweetcherriepie.com.

Ingredients:
1 kilogram glutinous rice or malagkit
1/2 kilogram chicken, chopped like Tinola
8 eggs, boiled
100 grams ginger, sliced
1 onion, chopped
garlic, chopped
ground pepper
4 pieces chicken bouillon cube
fish sauce
onion leek, chopped (we were not able to get this because it was not available in the supermarket)

1. Wash the chopped chicken and boil in a big pot. When it boils, take out the chicken and set aside. Do not throw away the broth.
2. Pour the glutinous rice in the pot where you boiled the chicken. Let it cook. Make sure to mix it once in a while so the rice won't stick to the bottom of the pan. Add two chicken bouillon cubes. Boil another kettle of water and make sure to add water occasionally to make sure it doesn't dry up. I use hot water so it won't mess the temperature of the mixture.
3. On a separate pan, saute the ginger, onion, and garlic. Make sure you don't burn them because it will give a dark color to your arroz caldo. Add in the boiled chicken chops.
4. In another pot, boil the eggs. My mom told me to leave it without a lid because when the water boils, the eggs will bump into each other and will break. TIP: To know if the egg is already cooked, scoop it out of the water and if the shell dries right away, it is ready.
5. After the rice is cooked, pour the sauted ginger, onion, garlic, and chicken to the pot. Stir and taste. If it needs more taste, put it buoillon cubes and fish sauce. Put the ground pepper, stir, and turn off the fire.
6. Serve hot. Top it with chopped onion leeks and hard boiled egg. And maybe calamansi and fish sauce.

So that's how Jeff and I spent our rainy Monday. How about you? How did you spend your day? I heard Ria spent her day cleaning their house because the flood went inside. Aww.

Read full post »

To Yell or Not To Yell?

I am at the moment, a stay at home wife. I have been spending a lot of time writing and sleeping. A few days before my sister gave birth, I went to my parents' house in Antipolo and stayed for two days because Jeff went to Subic for work. I was sitting on our couch and channel surfing when I came across an interesting show, Face to Face.

Photo from Face to Face's Facebook page.

Face to Face airs on TV5 everyday at 4:30PM, or that what their Facebook page says. So the show is something like The Jerry Springer Show, a talk show in the US where two (or more) people would argue on TV. So here's the story on that particular day's episode. 

The first guest was a woman (let's call her sister-in-law or SIL because I can't remember her name). She said that the WIFE of her older brother who was in Kuwait was not taking care of her nephews and nieces, and that she was a gambler. She also said that her brother's wife had an affair with another man and that they had a child. Too complicated! So the WIFE was called in and they tried to hurt each other, but of course, the bouncers were there to split them. Too scripted. Amy Perez, the show's host asked the WIFE if the SIL's allegations were true. She said yes. The HUSBAND was called in and the show cuts to commercials. After the break, it was told that the HUSBAND came back from Kuwait and found out that his two kids are now three! HUSBAND threw the WIFE out of the house while the three kids remain with him -- even the last child who was the fruit of the WIFE's unfaithfulness. Upon watching, I realized that the HUSBAND still loves the wife too much but he just couldn't forgive her and take her back. 

The next day, I found myself channel surfing again and came across the same kind of show, this time from GMA News TV. 

Photo from Personalan's Facebook page.

So this show has the same pattern, calling two people who would like to argue on TV. So the first person called was Joey. He is married to Lynette and the couple has one kid. Joey said that he has a secret to tell to Lynette. Lynette was interviewed and all she said were great things about Joey -- he was her Mr. Right. Joey works as a barber in a barber shop where he met Alvin. They exchanged numbers, talked, and it was later revealed that they started a relationship ala My Husband's Lover. Everything was working fine with Joey and Alvin -- Joey goes to work and manages his relationships with Lynette and Alvin while juggling all the chores at home -- until a neighbor saw him and Alvin in the barber shop. So before the neighbor could tell Lynette, he did it ON TV. My goodness! Lynette walked out and cried buckets backstage. By the end of the show, furious Lynette forgives Joey but swears that if she ever sees Alvin again, she will leave him. Again, it was very obvious that despite the whole My-Husband's-Lover drama, Lynette forgave Joey. 

Now my question is, WHY DO THESE PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED TO TAKE THEIR ISSUES ON NATIONAL TV?!? I mean, yeah, these are big problems, but why do they need an audience to solve their problem?

Jeff and I fight at times. We used to argue a lot before the wedding, and after the wedding. This is the stage of the marriage when we argue about small things because we are adjusting to living with each other. Arguing is not bad. For me, it is a good thing because we learn a lot about our partners. We realize that they don't want us pinching their nose, or that they don't eat okra. We learn about their pet peeves. Most of all, we learn to be humble and apologize because at the end of the day, we are married to them and nothing can change that. 

Jeff and I have one rule about arguing -- NO ARGUING IN PUBLIC. Why? Because couples are not supposed to make a scene and put their fights out to be seen by the public, or by their families and friends. No, we don't pose as if we are a perfect couple. We are not, and we'll never be. But I do believe that couple fights don't need an audience. Problems should be fixed inside your homes, and in our case, inside our bedroom. When I was young, our neighbors would fight as if they were killing each other but the next morning, they were all PDA outside their house. At an early age, I thought that was very stupid. If you love the person, why would you yell at him and tell him that you would kill him? 

I grew up in a home where I thought that my parents didn't fight at all. I swear! I never heard my parents yell at each other. It was just a little before my wedding when my Mama was giving me advice on how to handle arguments that she told me their secret -- they fight but they don't yell. That moment, I wanted to have a monument done for my parents. I've never heard of a couple who never yelled at each other. She told me that if she is upset about something that my Papa did, she keeps quiet until Papa notices that she isn't her usual talkative self. They talk about it and they say sorry. 

I can't do what my Mama does. I nag a lot when I am angry, and then after I've said everything I wanted to say, I keep quiet. And then after a while, I'd talk to Jeff. My husband on the other hand would bug me on my quiet time and says sorry over and over again. I mean, I don't appreciate all the bugging because I talk to him when I'm ready. Lately, he's become cooperative and gives me time to think. 

How about you? How do you handle couple fights? 

“Be angry, and do not sin”:[a] do not let the sun go down on your wrath, - Ephesians 4:26

Read full post »

Sort of Jealous

Dear Misis, I would like to think that I've never been a jealous person, until today. My husband used to work with this girl in a call center. She now works in another company where my husband used to work as well. Few months ago, I noticed that they were exchanging messages on BBM. They spend so much time exchanging messages, even if it was already late. I saw that he's talking to a girl so I asked. So he said that he used to work with the girl, and that they were just talking about the rumors and issues in the girl's company. And that she is a LESBIAN. So I was like, why is he being too defensive? I told him that I think it wasn't proper that he was exchanging messages with another girl late at night even before we were about to sleep. He promised he won't talk to her anymore. Today, after months and months not knowing if they were still talking, the girl sent an iMessage to my husband. What puzzles me is that he just got his iPhone a few weeks ago and his phone contacts were not yet synced. And he tells me that they don't talk regularly? What made me furious was when the girl's name appeared because she sent a message, he immediately closed the message. I'm like, what the hell?!?!?! I would like to think that my husband is not cheating on me whatsoever, but keeping something from me is a different story. What is your stand with this kind of stuff? And how will you deal with this? Lovelots, Sort of Jealous Wife

Dear Sort of Jealous Wife,

Thank you sharing with us your experience. I'm pretty sure that there are other misis(es) our there who could be in the same boat or might have the same dilemma in the future. :)  Hope we can help give light to the issue.
First, I want you to know that your feeling towards your husband is valid. You are entitled to feel that way because you're his wife and there's this sense of "ownership" that raises your "radar" when you feel some threat lurking around. Woman's instinct, they say. 
Second, even though it's quite normal to get jealous, it shouldn't be a cause for you to eye your husband suspiciously all the time when he reaches for his phone. In the first place, ideally, ALL husbands shouldn't be doing something that will make their wives jealous and vice-versa. It's somewhat an unwritten code, but it's best if you talk about it. 
Cliché as it may sound, communication really is a key to a long lasting relationship. You have to be vocal about what you feel. Let him know what upsets you so that he would know. Because sometimes, men need to be told about these things. 
Set some sort of ground rules when interacting with the opposite sex. This includes a level of restriction for late-night, prolonged, regular-than-usual texting, chatting, phone calls with the opposite sex, with the exception of female family members ONLY. It's not like you're taking away your husband's freedom to talk with his friends. It's just for prevention. And of course this goes both ways. You can't impose something on your husband without your willingness to do the same thing. But make sure that BOTH of you agree to this and that you understand that breaking the "rules" might cause an argument. And who wants to get into an argument, right? 
Also, when dealing with your husband regarding any issue similar to this, it's wise to show some restraint. Remember, the last thing any husband wants is a nagging wife. So talk to him and listen to his explanations. I know it's hard to do it, but try not to show that you're angry. If you can, ask him about such things in a nonchalant way, and not like you're interrogating a member of Al Qaeda. This will make him drop his defenses and hopefully be more open with you. I think sometimes the reason why husbands don't want to talk about their "harmless" encounters with other girls, and probably why they choose not to show their wives that they're texting another girl is because they think that their wives would go berserk and just pick a fight. If you make your husband feel that he can talk to you about anything without you getting overly jealous, then he'll likely share more stuff with you without the fear of always being the bad guy. 
Another thing, try to get to know his circle of friends. In my case, I know my husband's college friends, ex-coworkers, childhood friends, girlfriends/wives of friends, etc. I also know the degree of closeness he has with these people. So I know who to watch out for. Hahaha.
And lastly, always give him the benefit of the doubt. Take his word for it when he says that it's just nothing. And let him know about it. Affirm your trust for him. Then pray earnestly to God for Him to protect your husband from any "element" that would cause him to be unfaithful.

"It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails ..." - 1 Corinthians 13:7-8a

Read full post »

Living with the In-laws

When Jeff and I got married last year, we agreed to live in his parents’ house for a while. We got a property in Nuvali that we started paying months before the wedding. According to the developer, the property will be turned over mid-2012, but by the end of 2012, we are still with my in-laws. We had to think it over – was it actually a good idea to live in Nuvali? We were both working in Makati/BGC area at that time, and travelling from Nuvali is quite painful. We don’t have a car, and if we will have a car, we need to pay for toll and gas everyday. That’s it. We decided to swap the property to a condo along Sucat Road, just near BF Homes. The thing is, the turnover of the unit will be on the last quarter of 2014.

To make the long story short, we still are living with my in-laws.

Our families during our wedding. Photo by Framed-Up Production.

I mean, that’s not really a bad thing. It is good. It is practical. Renting a place would mean we will spend twice as much, and that we will commute to work. There are so many reasons why newly married couples live with their parents, and not having a house just yet is one of them.

According to a study done by researchers to 373 couples, a wife’s relationship to her in-laws has a different effect compared to a husband’s relationship to his in-laws. When a husband is in good terms with his wife’s family, the wife sees it as a sign of love and that he bonds with them. As for the wife, setting emotional boundaries would be difficult if we bond more with our in-laws. Sometimes, wives think that whatever their in-laws say is their way of interfering or meddling.

I would like to think so too. Of course, as a new member of the family, we want to wow them. We want them to think that you are the perfect wife for their son. But put into consideration that you can’t always please them. Before you came into their lives, they have a different culture, they have their own issues, and they are different people. We can’t force our ways for as long as we’re living in their house. Unless you have kids, that would be a different story altogether.

I won’t lie to you, and I believe I am not alone in this boat – it is hard to live with your in-laws. It is an unfamiliar territory. Besides that fact that you have to adjust living with your husband, you also have to adjust to their ways in their house. For example, there are a few things that are hard to find in the household like sugar or bouillon cubes. There are misunderstandings too. The hardest part is not having a support system. Being away from my mom is like being on another planet. There are times that I just want to go to my mom, cry, and recharge. Maybe I’m being too melodramatic, but hey, you won’t understand until you don’t live with her anymore. I don’t have friends in the village who I can talk to. I have Bea who lives down the road but she has a kid and of course, I can’t bug her all the time.

I’d like to share these tips that I read on www.twoofus.org while I was browsing the net. Might come handy for newly weds out there. ;)

Surviving Living with the In-Laws*

Preserve Your Love Life

Cramped quarters can cramp your sex life as well. You may not feel the same freedom of expression in your new abode. Even casual displays of physical affection between you and your spouse — hugs, kisses, snuggling, etc. — may seem taboo in your in-laws’ home. And few things are creepier than knowing her parents might overhear your most intimate moments through the wall.

Maintaining your sex life, though, is an important part of maintaining your marriage. Just because you are in an awkward situation doesn’t mean you have to forego fulfilling sexual experiences. Try to work past your inhibitions, or adapt to them. Still not sure you can be intimate in your in-laws’ home? You can always revert to old teenage tricks — sneaking out and finding creative spots to be together.

Manage Conflict Appropriately

Some conflict between you, your spouse, and your in-laws is inevitable. Your spouse and his or her parents lived a separate existence together before you ever came into the picture. Likewise, you and your spouse have a created a new life together, a life to which your in-laws are not privy. When these two worlds come together, some tension is bound to erupt. If your spouse is clashing with his or her parents, try to stay out of the conflict. If you are clashing with your in-laws, be sure you express your frustrations respectfully.

You don’t necessarily need to use your spouse as a “go-between” to mediate conflicts with your in-laws, but deferring to his or her insights may be advisable. Your spouse likely understands his or her own parents much better and can help you know how best to communicate with them.

Be Considerate in Your Criticism

It is natural to want to vent to your spouse, but be sensitive as to how you express criticism about his/her family. Regardless of whether or not he/she agrees with you, your spouse is likely to respond defensively. By criticizing your spouse’s family, you are indirectly criticizing your spouse (or at least, the environment in which he/she was raised).

Contribute

Be sure to contribute to household responsibilities, especially if you are not contributing financially. This will help reduce any potential resentment on the part of your in-laws.

Know Your Place

Yes, you are part of your spouse’s family now. But you are not a blood relation nor do you have the same depth of history with your spouse’s family. Each family is a complex — albeit small — culture unto itself, with distinct practices and preferences. We all bring a certain biases into our marriages that prejudice how we see the world. Even seemingly trivial matters, like the best way to load a dishwasher, can create tension.

Know the Rules

Respect the rules of your in-laws’ house — even if they don’t make sense to you — so long as those rules do not infringe upon the core aspects of your marriage or parenting.

Married with Children … And In-Laws

While in your in-laws’ house, you should generally abide by their rules — this is their house, and you are guests in it. However, a couple should continue to maintain their own authority as to how best to raise, manage and discipline their own children. This is your right as a parent. If your in-laws overstep their bounds, you and your spouse should both respectfully assert your right to make decisions governing your children.

Have an Exit Strategy

Out of respect for your in-laws and your marriage, establish a clear plan for getting back on your feet and out of your in-laws’ home. Set a clear timeline for when you will move out and then work diligently to achieve the financial milestones needed to make the move possible.

Be Grateful—And Show It

Write your in-laws a short note expressing your appreciation or leave a small gift for them when they are least expecting it. Regardless of your in-laws’ imperfections, they are doing you a favor by opening their home to you.

Don’t Be a Momma’s Boy … Or a Daddy’s Girl

Hopefully, you sincerely love your parents and enjoy being with them. But if you have an unhealthy dependency on your parents or idolize them disproportionately, it is likely to wear on your spouse.

Defend Your Marriage Above All Else

If the situation becomes truly unbearable for you or your spouse, remember that your ultimate allegiance is to your spouse. It is not worth it to destroy your marriage for free or reduced rent.

*http://www.twoofus.org/educational-content/articles/surviving-living-with-the-in-laws/index.aspx

Read full post »